Theo looked upon the big beast and shouted, “What is this monstrosity of bone!?”. In reply a low voice boomed “YES IT IS I, THE KING OF CALCIUM, THE LORD OF BONES. I HAVE COME TO EXACT REVENGE ON ALL OF YOU FOR LACK OF DIETARY CALCIUM, YOUR BONES CRUMBLE AND TURN TO DUST AS WE SPEAK”. And at that moment a collective jolt of pain hit the party as they all fell to the knees, bones aching and muscles screaming.
“YOU MUST SURRENDER YOURSELF TO ME, BRITTLE-BONES”, boomed the voice of the skeleton god, “ONLY I CAN FIX YOUR WEAK AND WOBBLY KNEES”. But Theo, resolute with special dietary gnomish bonetropics, stood tall and replied “You may be the king of calcium, but I have something you do not!”. The Morbid Monarch, taken aback at the gnomes resistance, shook the room with this very voice “HOW DARE YOU DEFY ME, WHAT CAN YOU BRITTLE-BONES POSSESS THAT I, THE DIETY OF THE DECEASED, DO NOT!”. Theo, carefully but quickly, pulled out a small vial and held it up, glistening in the dim torchlight. “You, Lord of legs and Admiral of arms, do not possess this sweet gnomish bonetropic! Capable of making bones stronger than steel, but lighter than air!”. Theo continued, “However! For the small small price of $39.95 plus shipping for 30 days of elixir, you too can have bones that bend but never break! It also comes with a tasteful, but modernist, styled quartz vial if you purchase the 12 month pack!”
With a mighty rumble, the collection of bones start falling apart, with small bones going first followed by bigger and bigger chunks. The Calcium King let out an anguised roar, but it was too late. Theo, standing now on the pile of bones smirks and said “I guess he really lacked a spine”
- Pseudo Journal attached to the marketing pamphlet for 'The Osteoporosis Obliterator ', produced and sold by Theo Industries